Monday, June 11, 2007

Your future in the folds of a cookie

Heed these words, oh foolish mortal, else the cheff will be mightly pissed...

I’ve been reading Tarot cards, professionally, for a long time. So long I don’t want to date myself, but let’s do it anyway. Over 20 years. I’ve taught groups and individuals. Read privately, at parties, in my store, and at charity events that included a Hair Ball, a haunted hay ride (which later came to play into my fate when I entered the field of Real Estate, but again, a story for another day), and at the Mardi Gras where I read Captain Morgan’s fortune for naught but a kiss on the hand and a wicked little smile.

But as much as I know about the cards and other peoples fortunes, I am blind to myself. Any reader worth their salt will tell you “Can’t read for yourself”. So, I am relegated to using my regular psychic via phone (he’s good, a 95% accuracy rating), and relying on random portends, signs and omens. Lately, I’ve been saving fortunes from my cookies that I get each time I visit my favorite Chinese buffet. The food is great. I usually go for the stuff marked up with Chinese characters and no English explanation, because half the fun of going to a buffet is taking your fate in your hands and doing risky things with it. But I digress.

I started saving these fortunes, to look over at later dates to see how they apply, or if they applied, or if they were just so much assorted words that were essentially meaningless in the grand scheme of the universe, and the small scheme of my life.

So here are the last three visits, since Mid May, in order.

1. Many Successes will accompany you this year.
True. I survived revisions. My book was published. I have many other successes in my life in addition to those. But anyone with any kind of background in sales will tell you that each success costs you about 10 failed meetings, and each of those 10 failed meetings cost you about 100 contacts. So they should have added to this : many successes will accompany you this year but so will a whole lot of other baggage to, so bring a caddy. Or at least a little red wagon to hold it all. All in all, I’d say this is so far holding true.

2. Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine out deeds.
Yes. Out is a typo. I’m sure someone meant to say ‘our’. This is kind of existential – if you want to be it, do it. And if you do it, make sure you’re ready to do the time for it, just in case you get caught. I can buy into this. What I do determines who I am. I think, then, I need to pay more attention to what I’m doing. This isn’t really a portend, it’s more like a slap in the face and snap out of it warning. Then again, perhaps it is a portend. Don’t do something stupid, or you’ll wind up being stupid. Oh well, too late for that. I should have paid more attention to this one.

3. Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know men.
Well. We all know the force of my words, and if not, revisit the post on Sex Toys, Realtors & Pagan Rites. So you know me by the force of my words. I am a writer, so okay, I can get with this one too.

Now being a writer, I think I would combine 2 & 3, and wordsmith for a little more effectiveness: Our deeds determine us, and can really get us into trouble. And if we’re not careful, the force of our words will make the situation even more impossible, particularly in the company of men. So shut up and behave yourself.

Yeah, right. If I can’t after this many years, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able.

So we're at about 85% accuracy. Not bad considering the percentage of randomness in the exercise. (For you math fiends out there wondering how I arrived at that number, I took a wild ass guess.)

Note: The lottery numbers on the bottoms of these fortunes do not work. At least, not yet.

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