Monday, May 28, 2007

And now, a word from our sponsor

It’s been a while.

I could say all kinds of inventive things for excuses. Aliens abducted me. I was off working a double black ops mission for the NSA. I fell down a rabbit hole. But the truth is: the house. The house has consumed me. Not just this one, but two others - one that exists and one who's existance I have yet to discover. It’s like some weird vortex. And in the midst of it, I switched jobs and went through my first ever ‘edits’.

Which reminds me: THE book will be out in about a week. Immortal Protector. I had a great compliment from the folks in my RWA chapter. We were passing the cover around, and when it hit one corner of the room, it caused a ruckus. Next thing I know they’re all demanding protecting. Sweet! The revamped Web Site, MuseUnplugged, is also up. How both of these things happened, I can't really say, as it all seems a blur.

Anyway, it’s been, as always, interesting times for me. I think in the last few months I’ve learned a few things. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Wallpaper was created by Satan, and engaging in it’s removal is akin to taking a vacation in the tenth level of hell. Yes. I know you’re saying “But there are only nine levels to hell”. Well, you know how in the movie This is Spinal Tap, the Amps go up to 11 (as opposed to 10), for when you need just that little bit of extra power? Well, in Hell, the tenth level is like the amp setting in that movie: it is that little bit of extra suffering for when you need it most, and it’s reserved for, amongst other things, wallpaper removal.

2. As ugly as the siding is on your house, what’s under it is worse than you can possibly imagine. (I don't care how much acid you did in the '80's) Remove at your own risk. And gaze not upon it for more than a handful of seconds lest ye turn to stone.

3. Even if you’re a few hundred feet above the River, your basement still can, and will, flood. It will just wait for the year you decide to sell, so you have to declare it on the disclosure statement.

4. Believe it or not, love scenes that read like the XXX feature down at the local porno bunker are not always the ticket. Yes, there are things like feelings that must be accounted for during sex. Who’d have thought?

5. No. 10 Gin is indeed a superior elixir that aids in restitution from all the troubles caused by #’s 1 – 4, and can greatly assist you with #6.

6. You are never too old for trouble. And you can always find trouble. But it’s worse if trouble finds you. So take the initiative.

7. There’s an amazing Chinese food place on 9th Ave in lower Manhattan. And the local crime boss eats there, so don’t just take my word for it.

8. The Cross Bronx expressway is embarrassed about being exposed as a time sink and tear in the normal space/time continuum in one of my previous blogs. I know this because on my last two trips, I passed through without a hitch. In fact, I passed through them in record time. Next time, I will bring my tin foil hat. Can’t be too careful with these things.

9. Sometimes, no matter how much caffeine you ingest, you just can’t seem to wake completely up to the surrounding reality. These are the days that trouble will find you. Refer to #6 for further instructions.

10. If you think you’ve figured it out, you haven’t. If you think you know it, you don’t. And if you believe the opera isn’t over (so to speak) until the fat lady sings, you’ve never seen a Hong Kong action flick. Or, lived one.

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