Tuesday, May 19, 2009

If Men Really Ruled the world...what color would the pool be?

Immortal Protector,(my book, not a new Trojan product – though technically I lived in a town called Troy when I wrote it so I guess you could say it was produced by a Trojan and therefore a Trojan product, but it would be in poor taste) is so TOTALLY available for sale. Pop over to my website for more info.

Right now, I am on my deck, staring at a pool that is a pleasing, yet completely opaque, turquoise color. And smells like New Jersey, because it’s a currently classifiable as a chemical waste dump. (I don’t think that will change any time soon.) See, the pool did not come with instructions. Supposedly, we had instructions from the men that ‘opened’ it for us. I wrote them down. They were man style instructions. Getting them was uncomfortable for all involved. They seemed precise at first glance, but upon further inspection were vague and unpredictable.

So I started to think, gee, this is like men getting lost and not asking directions. So the husband is searching the net and stuff for info, all while we conduct experiments in better living through chemistry by dumping this and that and hoping for something approaching an optimal outcome. It occurs to me this is very much like life. And the writing process too. You know where you would like to be. Any instructions you have may or may not fit the scenario, and you wind up dumping this and that and hoping you will get where you think you need to be. I have my fingers crossed. I am made hopeful by the fact that today I can see the second step in the shallow end. Again, like life, we need to be aware of and celebrate our victories, no matter how big or small.

My husband however, taking the man approach, has declared war on the 20 thousand give or take gallons of water that reside in our pool. As much as I joke, I really do love men. For all they are and are not.

And in honor of that, I’m posting something I found funny on The Romantic that is in that same vein: (Give the Romantic a visit, folks, there’s other very funny stuff there too.)

What Would Be Different If Men Really Ruled the World

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife- to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation. (This one's for Jack the Realtor)

And my submission:
Pools would clear instantly with a single additive of a 20 ounce beer of your choice.

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